Another Asperger Type Day

So many days are difficult when your 9 year old daughter has the IQ level of a 2 year old.  My daughter has Aspergers Syndrome.  And although some days are relatively painless, usually school days when she isn't here, weekends are the worst. 

I think I understand now why Ostriches hide their heads in the sand.  When I hear her stomp her over sized feet through the living room, shouting "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy" I wish I could stick my head somewhere, anywhere but here. 

Today I woke at 4am in so much pain I didn't know what to do.  A day or two before my doctor appointment I always run low on the pain killers that get me out of bed, not to mention able to make the meals, and clean the house and do the cat litter.  All those daily chores that no one around here notices but me.  I ask Lorelei I don't know how many times "Did you notice the garbage can on its side in the kitchen?"  No mom, didn't see it." Yet its wedged in between the doorway and the refrigerator, which I know she's already been in at least a dozen times before 10 am.  The books on the table that are now strewn all over the living room floor.  Another thing she "didn't see" yet it was impossible to walk through the room without stepping over it.

Anyway, back to the 4am wake up.  By the time I finally fall back to sleep the sun is coming up and who do you think wakes up, but Miss Asperger in the next room.  I purposely buy her food that she can handle herself, toaster waffles, microwave pancakes, bagels.  Things she doesn't need me for.  Things she can eat to tide herself over with until I get up at 10am.  She is old enough to fend for herself for a couple of hours.  Would you believe I have yet to sleep until ten.  She usually starts between 7 and 8.  It starts with....

"Mommy are you awake?"  Its 7am sometimes earlier when that when I get the first wake up message.  Mind you my eyes are closed, the room is dark and most of the time I'm snoring.  So why would I be awake?
"Mommy theres a mess in the bathroom!"
"Mommy, make breakfast"
"Mommy, you awake yet?"
"Mommy, when are you getting up?"
"Mommy, do I have an appointment today?" "Do you?"
"Mommy, can I call grandma?"
"Look, Mommy, I brought you a cat!"
"Look, Mommy, I brought you another cat!"

Mind you these are all true.  She says this every morning and all usually within 30 minutes of waking up.  I have never slept past 9 ever since she started declining.  When they said she had ADHD I didn't believe them.  I knew it was something else.  When meds stopped working I started looking for other options, other answers.  When I found out about Aspergers, I asked her doctor and of course the dumb idiot woman says "I was actually considering that diagnosis, but I didn't want to upset you."  Its not upsetting to find out there's a reason for what has been driving us all crazy for three years.  Not counting all the wierd stuff she's been doing since birth.

I don't know how much more of her tantrums, her behaviors, her lack of ability to do anything without me.  And the worst is that whenever I go to do something I will turn around and there she is just staring at me.  How am I supposed to deal with that.  I am going to end up on the 6th floor.  The irony is so will she and we will probably be stuck in one room.  So she can keep staring at me and saying

"Mommy are you up yet?"  Except I will have no where to run, with bars on the windows and locks on the doors.  When can I start being an Ostrich, I welcome a bucket of sand to this...."

Our New Life

Well, it is official.  We have moved.  Its an ok place.  Close enough to town yet far enough away from it at the same time.  The irony is my BFF wanted me to move closer to be near each other and I've seen her maybe 3 or 4 times since we moved and the total time together probably wouldn't even equal an hour.  WHATEVER.  I've seemed to have picked up a stray too.  Her son had a friend who was always hanging around, troubled life or whatever.  So he's been helping my friend, John and I to move everything here.  I'm loving having someone around (a man) who acts like one and because of his age or rather underage anything happening doesnt cross anyones minds.  Sometimes its better this way.  I got a man to hang around and help me with the heavy lifting, but dont have to deal with anyone in my bedroom except the four legged kind, (NO NOT JACOB, IM NOT THAT LUCKY)

Its been nice in my own place one that Josh can't touch.  He did come by a few days ago and left me with a broken wrist and a welt the size of a golf ball on the opposite wrist.  So much for "No honey it tears me up inside to remember what I did to you last year.  I'll never hit you again."  Guess Leopards really don't change their spots.

will it never end

I spent last night coming to terms with how I feel about Joshua.  That I don't need him in my life to be complete.  I'm a complete person on my own.  More than he can say.  I woke up this morning with a splitting headache.  The house is much more at peace when he isnt here, the cats, all 17 of them are happy and not breaking anything.  Even the girls are getting along.  Yet when I got downstairs I suddenly felt overwhelmed.  All the mess the cats had made and the girls hounding me for lunch and I was barely even awake yet.  I sat down and tried to help Hannah with her homework and I had to excuse myself because I suddenly started crying hysterically.  I wasnt thinking about him so I don't know where it came from.  I spent the rest of the afternoon feeling sick to my stomach.  I'm not crying anymore, but he's on his way over to get the stuff he forgot. 

How am I suppose to get over him with him texting me every few minutes to tell me he misses me and he's sorry.  How can I accomplish anything with him here when he isnt here and making his presence known the rest of the time.  I just want some peace.  Yes I'd like to be with him, but not with him the way he is now.

And So It begins...

...Do you ever notice how many posts end in those three little symbols...see there I go again...and again.  Think I'll end there...or will I?  The first time we watched MammaMia, my 9 year old, then 8, says what does she mean by...How do you explain the context its used in the movie, but it got me to thinking.  Isn't everything in our lives a bit...ish?

We let everything around us get so out of control that a ...explains it all.  I was changing the baby when...I was answering the phone when...These three innocent symbols are being used instead of just finishing our thoughts, and why?  Because we are too tired and too busy to finish them ourselves.  Well I am refusing.  As of tonight I will make an effort to finish everything I start.  What did I start today that I mean to finish?

Joshua!!!Today my on again off again boyfriend of three years moved out again.  He has moved out so many times I have lost track.  But I am writing the end to this story right now.  No more...to our love story.  I am tired of explaining what he did this time.  Was it violent? Did he do it again? (No just that once)
Did he cheat?(Again? Most likely, but can't prove it!) or Was he just plain mean and wierd?
He just has so many issues and he has lost sight of who he is.  If he isn't Jessica's boyfriend, then he is nothing.  I can't date nothing.  I want someone who completes me and until he know who he is he can't even complete himself.

I've also decided I'm going to start keeping track of how many times Lorelei,(my daughter, she has Aspergers) refuses to listen and turns around right back where she started.  Right next to me.  I don't know how many times I told her today to go downstairs I have homework to do?  She just won't listen.  Doing things alone is like eating broccoli to most other kids. If I don't lose my mind over Josh's stuff it will be over hers.

Introduction to Mrs. Weasley

Hi,
My real name is Jessica. Duh right?  I am a writer or at least hope to be if my kids and insecure obsessed on again/off again boyfriend would give me the chance to write.  As the title suggests I love Harry Potter and in particular the Weasleys.  This blog will be all about me, my kids and our life.  I homeschool my two daughters, Hannah age 10 and Lorelei age 9.  Lorelei has Aspergers Syndrome and alot of this blog will about my stresses dealing with her.  I love to sew and do arts and crafts.  I do alot of Harry Potter themed sewing be it a caldron from yarn that I crocheted or the Golden snitch.  (Pictures will come later.)  I also do custom orders and sell them online.  I don't have an Esty yet,but I will. Right now its all up on my facebook account.  Just search for HEAVEN IN HARMONY. dont remember if theres an CRAFTS on the end of the harmony or not.  you can also look me up on my facebook, JESSICA BROOKS jessical.brooks@hotmail.com. 

I look forward to all the great friends I will make on here. And all the great writing I will do..  I figure if Julie Powell can turn her love for Julia Child into a work of art then who knows what I can do.